Do you read the Bob Lefsetz newsletter?
If you don’t and you’re in the music business, START now: Lefsetz Letter
I’ve only been reading his letter for a couple months, but I have to say, I’ve learned a TON. I love him, that genius. You know what he keeps drilling in that I just can’t seem to apply to my life? To be HONEST. To be REAL. To show the ugly, vulerable, not-so-glam reality of a musician’s life.
Here’s the thing, I don’t consider myself fake. Maybe I am! I don’t lie, but I’m definitely not an open book. People think that I am super confident, super happy and content all the time, that my life seems awesome-probably all based on what they see on Facebook! HAHA!
I run into people all the time and they are like, “You seem to be doing GREAT! Saw your pics from (_____). You’re a busy girl!” And I’m like, hell yeah! I’ve done my job, I look busy and cool! But the reality is, as an artist, I’m doing a shitty job! Bob talks about how the industry of today is completely different because the fans have direct access to the artist, with twitter and instagram etc… The fans feel close to the artist—if the artist let’s the fans get close.
I guess I’m afraid to let people get too close because I’ve been burned in the past. I think deep down I think that anything I expose CAN and WILL be used against me in some way. And I gotta get the F*** over that! Some people are going to hate me, no matter what I do. So here ya go, some honest junk I’d rather not talk about:
I’m moving in with my boyfriend. I’m scared shitless. Breakups suck already, why do you gotta add moving to that process? Why do I think about breaking up when things are going great? Because I’ve got issues, obviously!
A few moths ago I was at work, doing makeup, and I got a million emails from youtube saying I’d gotten comments on my music videos. I glanced at one and saw that it was something really mean like, “This girl is sooo gross! She sucks!! My ears are bleeding!” I know, kinda funny but also fuckin rude!! I had to get my friend Ashley to go on and block the person and handle it since I was at work… Then this chick (or dude) made ANOTHER name to go and talk more smack on my videos! All I could think was, NEVER in my LIFE ever would I do that to someone! I don’t dislike ANYONE enough to put that kind of effort into being mean! That’s the reality of doing what I do! You probably didn’t see those comments cause I deleted that shit! lol
At the end of the day, I just want to make my parents proud. Most of what I’ve done, my parents haven’t seen. Not because they aren’t supportive, they are. But they def aren’t going to go looking me up, looking at my website or my videos or anything like that. I don’t show them my stuff too often because honestly, they just don’t seem to really get it. They love me and tell me they are proud of me, but I can’t wait for the day that they can just turn on the TV and watch me.
It freaks me out that my friends are getting married. I wish I was ready for that, but I’m not. Not even close. I think in my brain, marriage to me is settling down-in every way. I know it’s not like you give up your career or anything when you get married-but in my head that’s what it is. It’s not that I love to struggle, I just don’t want to lose momentum. I don’t want to get married, move, have babies, do ANYTHING until I’m in a place that I feel accomplished. Does that make sense? I guess put simply, my career is the love of my life. Sad and lonely, I know!
One time I performed at The Troubadour and it was so great, I had a lot of friends come out and they were so loving and encouraging and proud of me. I cried the whole drive home because I said to myself, “Who cares? Nothing to be proud of. It’s not the MTV VMA’s.” No matter what I do, it’s never enough. I’m happy for a minute, but when you have dreams as big as mine, it means you’re constantly hungry and constantly dissatisfied.
Feel closer to me now?
And one last thing, I NEVER share this, but here you go! The audition I put on tape today in my bathroom! GHE-TTO! Can you tell? HaHa!
Diary of a Starving Actress 