It’s been a dream of mine to go to Thailand. I LOVE Thai food. I love the beach. It always looks like paradise in movies and pictures.
My boyfriend is a TV writer and has a crazy schedule. He had just finished working on the first season of a show called “The Following” and was drained. I was wrapping my web series, “Destroy the Alpha Gammas” and we were like, let’s go far far away!
I’ve always thought, Oh, when I book this or that acting job I’ll get to travel around the world! Or: when I’m a successful singer I will go to Thailand and Australia and Paris etc, etc…
I think that mindset has prevented me from focusing on my happiness. TODAY’s happiness. Like, my life will begin when a,b, and c happen. I will be happy and do all the things I wanna do when I achieve a, b and c. I’m starting to realize that life isn’t about to begin. It’s begun! So I gotta start enjoying it, whether or not the best is yet to come! Sounds dumb but… going to Thailand was a big step for me.
It was stunning. The people are so nice. I felt like I was a million miles away from everything, which was exactly what we needed
We took several planes. LA-Korea. Korea-Bangkok. Bangkok-Phuket. Phuket-Korea. Korea-LA.
I already have a bit of a fear of flying. Flying seems unnatural to me. My brain still doesn’t understand how it’s possible. I fly a lot so it’s something I just put up with. But let me tell you, we experienced the WORST turbulence of my life. The flight to Korea was the scariest flight ever. I’ve experienced turbulence, but not like THAT. The plane kept dropping and everyone would gasp in unison. The babies were crying. I was crying in my boyfriend’s arms. I was like, we’re all going to die. For sure. It’s happening.
Then I thought to myself: Well, this is the end, what could I have done differently? What could I have done differently so I wouldn’t be dying tonight on this plane? And then it started to hit me: What was I supposed to do- NOT get on the plane? NOT go to Thailand?… No way! The only way that you’re going to be safe from a plane crash is if you never get on a plane and never go anywhere. F that. So if I’m going to die on my Thailand trip, so be it. I’m going to live my life and do the things I want to do, for better or worse. If I’m going to die, let it be in the pursuit of happiness. I felt a bit of calm wash over me.
And… I survived 🙂
I know, I know.
It’s my first blog and I’m starting off on a sad note. HOWEVER, If I’ve learned anything from this new internet age, it’s that you gotta be real, man! As the brilliant music industry commentator, Bob Lefsetz, puts it: “Reluctance is so last century.”
So here I go: I’m feeling sad. Had a rough day. Got ripped apart in acting class. Wish it had been about my acting (I could have chalked it up to an off day), but it was not. More about my need to keep busy by producing my own projects (apparently that’s a desperate move), my Daddy issues (I guess I have them), my trip to Thailand with my boyfriend (I guess going is compromising myself in some way- Didn’t really see it like that since the trip was my idea but whatever) Doesn’t feel good and I don’t feel good now.
Funny part is my scene actually went quite well later on in the class. Surprising since I had considered bolting after my verbal beat-down. Still, I didn’t want to let down my scene partners, and look like a pussy. So I stayed. Fighting back tears and gritting my teeth.
Still -gotta get through the day. So I go to my trusted happy helpers. They may not work for you but I’m sure you have your own go-to’s when you’re blue.
My Mom is a psychotherapist and I remember her telling me years ago when I got my heart broken to “treat yourself like you’re sick.” Eat what you want to eat. Stay in bed. Read trashy magazines. Whatever. Put you first and do what makes you feel GOOD. I will always subscribe to that. Here are my blue busters!
Reading perezhilton.com or my new fave: dlisted.com makes me laugh out loud every time
PJ’s, a shower, singing in my room…
When all else fails, I write it down. And cry if I have to. Here’s a song I wrote while feeling down. It’s called “Lemonade” because in that moment, I was desperate to start feeling better. And it worked. 🙂