We all know it- when you put yourself out there, you will be judged. 1+1=2
Since I’ve been performing most of my life, I’ve also been criticized most of my life. Do I take it hard? Sure, occasionally.
I know that haters gonna hate! But what about when your friends hate? That’s much harder. You want your friends to be there when you’re down, but in LA, sometimes it’s hard to know if your friends will be there when you’re up. A lot of us are in the same game, the same rat race. It’s hard to not compare yourself, even when you love the person. But jealousy is an ugly ugly thing and it’s something I battle myself. Still, it’s easy for me to be happy and proud of my friends that work hard, are passionate and grateful.
My friend Caitlin found out today that her show “Reign” on the CW just got picked up! It’s wonderful news and I’m very happy for her because 1) she EARNED it 2) I know she’s grateful 3) she’s freakin TALENTED! Woohoo!
I’m not saying I have friends that aren’t the above things. But I do have friends that are in great positions that complain a lot. That’s hard because I’m like, what are you complaining about?! It makes me subconsciously distance myself from them because I don’t like having negative thoughts about my friend in my head. Makes me feel like a raging bitch! I’d rather be a sweet, supportive friend and person.
Today a friend told me that our friendship was poisonous to her and that she felt tired of supporting me and my career because she’s felt in my shadow forever. Huh? Do I think that’s ridiculous? No. Because that’s the chain of Hollywood! We’re all jealous of each other! Sounds terrible but the grass is always greener in Hollywood. I have a few people in my life whose shine I feel eclipses mine, one being my boyfriend. He’s with one of the biggest agencies in the world. He has like 5 agents pitching and calling for him at all times. He goes all over the world for his projects. He makes WAAAAY more money than me. He gets to meet on TV shows that I LOVE all the time and thinks nothing of it. But- he’s also got 12 years on me and you know what? He’s my biggest supporter. He helps me create and fund a lot of my projects.
I asked him once if he felt very proud that he was living his dream. He told me, “Mostly I just miss DJing.” When he was trying to make it as a screenwriter, he paid his bills as a DJ. He tells me, “You’re going to make it and it’s still gonna suck. Because it all sucks!” He makes me laugh. He makes me dream big but also keeps me down to earth.
I guess what I’m saying is, we gotta all figure out how to be happy; how to be good friends and be proud of each other on our own. It’s a process. My intention is never to bring anyone down. I don’t want my friends to resent me and I don’t want to resent my friends. The happier that I am in my own life, the happier that I’m able to be for other people’s successes. We’re all on our own paths, that’s what I always tell myself.
If I’ve learned anything since being here it’s that the battle is not just about booking this or that gig but enjoying the journey; finding happiness in the process. That’ll determine if you’ll be happy once you get there! Like a habit. I’m working on making a habit out of being happy. And I guess it starts with being happy for my friends.